HOME & WELLNESS :: APRIL/MAY 2007
Fighting About Nothing
Couples who decide to try therapy to improve their relationship often describe a series of silly, unimportant squabbles. They often cannot, or are too embarrassed to remember what many of these are even about. When you have an argument, and one asks “What were we fighting about?” then you had one of these. By far the most common example shared with me is the conflict that occurred in the parking lot just outside my office. Yes, it starts with the passenger providing assistance on selecting an ideal space. The driver gets annoyed and snaps back with an assuring reminder of their competency. Lastly, the passenger is now put off by their partner’s reaction.
This is a great place to start the therapy! Even though we all want to say “It’s not a big deal,” the scene is an example, and is symbolic of how small conflicts create distance. Emotional distance is what contributes above all to marital trouble. We could deliberate on who would be considered to be the “wrong” one in this picture. This is a tricky endeavor since some would say that the passenger should stop directing traffic and leave the task to the driver. However, just as many would say that it was ridiculous for the driver to be so sensitive to getting a little innocent help. There is no consensus, so the therapy pursues a more worthwhile goal.
What if couples had the capacity to share frustrations with one another in a completely emotionally safe atmosphere? In this arena they would feel encouraged by their partner to share their feelings no matter what. What if they could avoid the back and forth defensive jabs and misinterpretations which so easily break down the communication? The answer is that amazing personal insights and a gratifying sense of being understood very often occurs. This is because conflicts tend to reflect, and represent our personal sensitivities. These sensitivities come from somewhere. By communicating purposefully and safely partners can become more conscious of themselves, which is the only true way to become HAPPY.
HINT: The parking lot couple made the following discoveries. The driver came to see that his reaction was to protect him from feeling that his judgment wasn’t trusted. He sees now that it is very important for him to feel that his partner trusts his judgment. The passenger came to see that the driver’s rejection of her input makes her feel he does not want to work together like a team, and the she sees him as simply mean. Most importantly each partner could also make connections with how their personal histories tend to promote how they thought and reacted.
The reader might think that nothing was really solved….yet the couple is starting to feel much better.
For more information or to schedule an appointment, contact Russ Widder, LCSW at A Center for Human Development by calling 302-736-1820.
